Not belonging (on stage)

So as most of you who follow the blogs weekly know that this semester I haven't been dancing as much. In fact I haven't had a performance this semester. But i have created one.

After Easter- and now with this being the last week of my BA- it has hit home how little I am moving or performing. On Monday, I was helping my mate out with her tech run- where I just needed to mimic her movement on stage so she could see the affect of the lighting. Well I stared at the empty seats in the theatre and felt that I shouldn't be there. I felt like a sham. I just wanted to crawl underneath some rock and sat and wondered WHAT AM I DOING?

All I kept thinking was how would I capture the audiences attention right now? Be interesting? I have no movement material that if I was thrown on stage I could do, and I do not trust my improvisation to look good enough.

This is the pit of doubt I speak about in my IGTV Video on Instagram (dance_therapy_tammienawathe) and how it can come. Give it a watch if you haven;t already.

Anyway I think that this moment lead up to my major stress on Tuesday with my Dissertation Rehearsal. I still identify as being a dancer even if it isn't my masters course or I do it everyday.

After venting through the feelings Tuesday evening, I let them rest and continued with my regular life. What I didn't expect to happen was on Saturday.

Doing my dissertation rehearsal, I came with a more calm energy again and felt all this self-belief pour back into my being. Something about allowing my feelings of hurt, upset, betrayal, faking it to sit in me and give them some attention. Not dwelling on them but noting that this is how I feel instead of suppressing it, I was able to deal through it all. I began improvising. Just hearing my music I love to listen to I was moving a bit through the space. I have no idea how I looked- and it wasn't too grand (i think that helped). I was giving direction and cleaning a Cyr wheel sequence but moving as I was doing so. Being back in this mental framework and with the environmental stimulus of my music allowed me to dance. To move. And by not having to take up too much space I didn't feel the pressure to be anything but me in that one moment. I felt empowered. And this was built up to throughout the rehearsal as I was directing and doing simple moves like a few backwards rolls but noting how controlled and well they flowed. By just giving myself positive feedback I grew and wasn't planning on it.

All of a sudden- my identity of a dancer came back. I always logically said I am a dancer and know I still am, but my heart felt like it was a lie. Like I couldn't get into it anymore. I had to dance to prove I still was and not because it was me and what i wanted to do.

Do not stress if everything isn't ok at that moment. IF you feel you don't belong. WE ALL HAVE IT. It will all come back but DO EVERYTHING FOR YOURSELF.

Travel the world and spread magic where you walk

Thank You :)