EHU Final Year- Final Week (Thirty-Fourth)

Monday

The day started off amazingly where i accidentally designed a whole new yoga flow and potential class. I just began to work in the Hatha style which was more new to me, with the class in mind, and ended up having a thread of self love and confidence run through it. Must have been subconsciously. Anyway, its how I know its what I am meant to be doing, not because its coming easily- but as it is something I am happy and wanting/needing to practice daily and lines up with my mental flow.

Then, I headed into the studios and instead of knowing or wanting to dance then did another yoga session,this time for maintenance of flexibility. Again it just happened. I was sad I felt I couldn't get into an improvising state of mind but wanted to keep my dancing roots by dancing a little and then doing my 'dancers stretch' routine. The studio space doubled up as time to watch over two dissertation rehearsals. I LOVE seeing the creativity and individuality everyone has.

Today I started and was invested in handstand and headstand practice again. It still a confidence thing as by the wall i can hold a lot longer without even touching it than in centre practice. But I trust that will come.

Tuesday

As it is tec. week I helped with the tec. run of one of my mates by standing on stage and mimicking her movement. I felt so weird being back on stage staring at the chairs for the audience. It's hitting me that I won't be dancing dancing all the time ever again-SO I NEED TO MAKE SURE I STAY INVOLVED IN IT.

For my dissertation rehearsal I had my first proper stress out for the year, which I have been told is long over due. It wasn't from anything in particular but just i think the inevitable. I tried ot keep my composure throughout and plan some breaks and pauses. I ended with a lecturer watching and giving me some feedback. It was all so useful and mostly questions for my viva and to help bring clarity in how it is performed. The best thing was seeing my tutors mouth drop as the wheel began to be used. This only reassured me that it is good. I also started to notice how nuts the piece is and how numb we are to it now we are well in the process.

As useful as it was, and kind and not too much, getting some improvement feedback can always hurt. I don't think it was that. I think I just doubted myself. This was what opened a can of worms. I stated how I hadn't had this doubt in myself this year until today but after having a mini-therapy session with my mate over a glass of wine I was able to put everything into perspective. I am not a fraud- and I am good at what I do and everyone always has a doubt of belief no matter who you are. This was mine today and that is ok as I let myself go through that and come through the other side.

As a result, I spent my evening re-editing the music (have to do it straight away or I never do it).

Wednesday

It is starting to feel strange not really being at uni but I am also used to it. In my head I have my degree. Either was I was heading into uni this morning to sort out some admin and props for my dissertation performance on Monday.

Trying to get my performance room booked was a little faff but I stayed calm and everything unfolded really neatly. I have a rehearsal space for this weekend.I was then able to sit and watch through a tec run of another one of the dissertation pieces. It was heavily using light as a choreographic choice and allowed me to reflect on my lighting choice for my performance.

Today was a beautiful sunny day and on the walk home I always walk through the park. Yesterday I longed to feel the grass beneath my bare foot again and so quickly took off my sandle, felt it and continued on my journey. Today I took the time and sat down. I was on the grass in the sun for 2 hours. I did some mild yoga (just staying in a seated position and merely because I cannot sit and not do it) and listening to my audio book (which formed my meditation for the day).

I often live so much with my tick list and always want to stop and do something, and when I do it merely last a moment (like when i want to feel the grass beneath my feet so take off my shoes for a second and continue going). Now i took that a step further and knew to take advantage of this time now. Either way I have time for both but I may as well re-adjust my plan as the sun will not be around, or may not be, all day.

I had a few new dissertation ideas, once home and by the laptop, as I re-read over my research and put a plan of action in place for Saturday.

Ending the night at work. Not too bad

Thursday

Today has not been to productive in terms of movement. I woke up and treated myself how I would want to be. I made myself a cup of green tea and some cookie dough and tucked myself back in bed to enjoy my abnormal breakfast.

The morning was simple acts of self love like this WHICH is also a yoga philosophy. You see yoga isn't just what happens on the mat but is your philosophy and 'rules' you carry with you through life. I liken these to the 10 commandments though YOGA IS NOT A RELIGION. They are like rules to living a good happy life. Do not steal, Speak the truth (for the right intentions, do not just say someone is ugly as its a truth that is not done with kindness) AND includes BEING TRUE TO YOURself. Do not steal- objects or time from someone else. To care for ourselves outwardly and inwardly as best as we can through diet, meditation and exercise.

My afternoon was learning about the business side of Instagram and overcoming some of my social fears and struggles of reaching out to people. I actually really enjoyed it and felt for the first time in a while that I wasn't being on a social media for no point but having some meaningful conversations. (dance_therapy_tammienawathe if you want xx).

This evening was back to work and carrying this light and openness throughout.

Friday

I ended up taking about an hour to get out of bed, just being present in how comfy I was and trying to not feel stressed with a checklist of my day ahead of me.

Once up I went straight to my yoga mat- spontaneously trying to relax my body and ended up taking an hour. Once finished I had a few missed messages as a reminder that the dress for tonight dissertation show was on if I wanted to a

Saturday

My dissertation rehearsal went SO WELL. The calm energy and positive atmosphere was back. I am in a better place and looking at my piece with fresh eyes. Allowing to see it as newer again and re=sparking that excitement. I think doing it with full lights and some added props only made it seem more real and full. A little tweaking and seeing everyone elses work will do that to you.

You know what I am SO PROUD of my resilience. In life we can take two perspectivies

1. others were good and so my won;t be as I am not x,y or z

2. Others were good and I am also good. Everyone's was different and my style prefered some over others and the same will happen for mine. As long as I have put my work in and produced something I am proud of I have done well.

If you couldn't guess I took the latter.

I got to treat my mate for lunch and felt the stress of the viva melt away as I was reassured I was over thinking it.

My day ended with a shift at work. I feel good being able to balance the two and having moments of stress keeps me on my toes. I know this next week will be a busy one with packing up most of my room- dissertation and viva PLUS my yoga lesson plans and revision of anatomy. I can do it.

Sunday

I am so thankful that my Sunday works starts after the yoga class at the gym.

I was up and motivated. Having to do my practice somewhere else and under someone else makes me more likely to do it straight away.It took me longer to get into the flow of it but mid way through I found my energy for it. I just needed more time to connect to the class and leave the stress of getting ready in time outside. It was very strength based of the arms and legs- and I needed that.

In work I was full of so much energy and expected it to die out mid way through my shift. Well it didn't and I enjoyed myself so much- i ended up speaking to customers about yoga as well. I stayed later at work to help out and got 'rewarded' with a brownie which is the best way to end a Sunday shift.

Once home it was a quick rush to get these blogs out for you all. Catch up with some friends and planning holidays and ensuring everything is in place for my dissertation tomorrow.