Meditation Journey Week Ten

Honestly didn't know if i would get to this but I am here as I got back into it.

I realise I use meditation a bit. You know when you have that friend you only go to when you need something, a shoulder to cry on or some honest advice yet you don't spent every day with them. Or your comforter, food/blanket which you deny its existence until you are beyond upset and need a piece of it to become you. Meditation at the moment is that. When I am doing good I forget. I know its importance but cannot priotise it. And a few days after calming I will keep it up. But within a week i will fall out of that routine and it gets harder ot get back in.

Well I meditated. Thursday. I had the same topic enter my mind a few times, didn't cause that much distress until the universe shoved it in my face a little bit. Not too much but enough for me to question what I am doing, want and has happened.

Needing to clear my mind to understand I went to my candle. Yellow. I am sending a message to someone. Rolling with it in its improvisation phase.

Thursday

My gut already tells me what I need to do- away from emotion and with enough distance, yet I never fully listen to it first. I know it and carry on with life. But today I doubt if I am doing the right thing and if 'time is running out'.

Funny enough I spoke earlier today about how I don't use my candles anymore, so let me get out my candle.

Yellow.

I began speaking to it, saying what I was stressed about and wanted. It was kind of like speaking to a therapist yet I dont want a response. I am directing the energy to the universe and that persons energy- having an open conversation that right now i cannot have in the reality. I began to breath in time with the candle once I had finished. Now random things would cross my mind again- especially as my mental discipline has deteriorated. I try to remain on task.

I can only describe it as most of my brain was focused just on the candle, but one section on the back had a random thought pop up. It was so strange to feel this disassociation and in this distracted area I felt fuzzy and clustered. I tried to breath allowing this part of the mind to shut off until my brain felt as empty as I thought it could in that moment. I don't quite have the patience for a longer session, though I have no idea how long this all lasted, so I came out of the session when feeling more calm.

The trick was to not think now I am calm I will have an answer, and to know that it may not come straight away. My gut kept saying the same thing- without my brain working (was weird)- but that was enough for me right now. I blew out the candle and sent my message across in the energy. Watching the patterns the smoke danced in, I breathed in the fragrance and breathed out into the scene allowing the smoke to wade in new directions until entirely gone.

Today it worked and it didn't feel like work. Lets see how I can keep this up once my 'deadline' of the weekend is up.

Friday

Today again the meditation just randomly happened when I was at home and feeling most stressed. Having a fixed point i just became to use mantra. It was only around 5 minutes as the timing clashed with me making my food and I didn't want to go for too long to then worry and get distracted. I also only needed a short time, knowing that I can do a few shorter meditations a day.

I felt calmer and better with mantras. I think it is only a practice that is working at the moment when I am home alone. Next year when with a new group I may have to adapt this practice or change to a new one- maybe humming- or i may be a lot less self conscious by then.

Today was short but it was nice to be able to just go straight into it when needed. I do need to find an alternative for when I am out in public and needing something quickly.

Saturday

Today I began my yoga weekend course, and the latter end of the day we began discusisng meditation and relaxation. I was talking through how when I am moving it comes naturally and explained this journey I am writing to you all now. Wanting to push myself more to meditate in more stillness. Our tutor explained that that is just how I am. The whole weekend was very relaxing and filled with so many positive energies in the room. Through yoga flows we were constantly reminded that we are to be kind to ourselves- and in reflection I noticed that even if I can do an intense forward fold comfortably it is not a natural thing for the body and bending the legs is 'kinder'. The same was with meditation. If you wander off its because that's what your mind needed.

The strangest thing has happened since meditating from Thursday. When i leave the meditation, before opening my eyes, i will rub my hands together to create warmth and energy- place this over my eyes and open them under the hands before removing the hands and being in the space again. Each time my eyes have been covered I have seen this deep blue colour.

In chakra terms deep blue is with the throat chakra linked to honesty, truth and open communication. It is also a blue colour connected ot healing. When having this thought re-visted in discussion with the group, I took away that I need more honesty with myself and having the assertiveness to say what I really need. This is bringing me my healing.

But today was a different colour. The blue was there but had moments it would flicker to a corner of purple then back to the all blue.

Purple being between the third eye and crown chakra. This is enlightenment. Maybe this is what it is- realising what you need and then taking steps towards it.

Sunday

The enlightenment conversation was continued in today's training weekend day two. That the western idea is that once we are enlightened we stay in that place, yet we can have moments and move in and out of it.

When you have moments where you are in touch with yourself, your past, your emotions. You are enlightened. When you find peace leaving a yoga session or meditation, if only for a few minutes, those are your moments of enlightenment.

Today the meditation was a guided relaxation led by our tutor. I LOVE THIS METHOD as it is a personal favourite I have used on my clients for YEARS.

Again my mind moved through many scenarios. I was in different memories, all different in different locations and different people. They kind of jumped like a flashback that was a scratched record. I almost blanked out of half of the guided task.

When discussing afterwards I had NEVER been told that this was ok. That my body needed to go through all of this and to process these different things. I think most of the time we put WAY TO MUCH PRESSURE on how things should be. We cannot effectively describe everything and whats worse is you cannot photo the process of meditation, so we are limited to words. I can dance it sure but its not accessible to everyone. We all get told what to expect but no-one speaks of the struggles.

I have had moments where I feel ashamed continuing this blog where I haven't meditated for days and compare this to what people speak or hear. WELL I AM A PERSON TOO AND THIS IS MY HONEST JOURNEY. Not cutting anything out.

I am so proud to be able to open up and share this rawly and I am proud of my endurance to continue this process even when hard and full of doubt. Blog for yourself. Keep a journal. Do what you need to do but know that whatever you do for you is best for you. Don't care about others. Lets take strength in one another and I will continue to support you however you access your journey

Travel the world and spread light wherever you walk

Thank you :)