Meditation Journey Week Four

One month. How quick that has gone, and within it i have had a few slip up days. I always say if i miss 2 days it is SO much harder for me personally to get back into it. But I always did. Be proud of your journey and the little milestones as it is what makes it big.

18.03.19

I was making sure I was going to meditate today. So at 22:30 (an hour before usual) I turned on my app, sat down against a wall and began a 'day one' of a repeat course- balance. I could feel my brain reciting the instructions to myself and then realised I was missing time in that certain task. A tad more distracted but not as bad as I had imagined. My biggest issue was not being used to sitting in the same position for 15 minutes again (my last few went back down to 10) and I was then clicking and shuffling to get comfortable again. That being said; I could sense the calmness I needed, addressed what was coming into my mind (less than previously- which i can only take as a good thing), and those distractions came only a few moments before the mind was 'allowed to wander' and was about dance moments during the day- looking at them as if out of the body and reliving in a happy space.

For me, I know this is now something I have to do- as it reminds me that what I give I get. I have been in a more positive place this year (and part of it is I believe due to the ritual I implemented before sleeping of listing 10 things I am grateful for throughout that day and things I look forward to in the next). I can feel the difference in me, and when I am not meditating I am still more positive than I was before this month began. I really am starting to believe in 'to change the world you first have to change yourself'.

I also began the candle meditation. Today a little different. I lit my pink candle and lay in a childs'-pose stretch in front of it- giving my own affirmation on what I wanted to focus and give my energy to. My mind wandered a little and I allowed it as I believe it was part of my intuition and inner voice. I then sat and watched the candle move- reducing blinking as much as I could and beginning a Kriya. (A kriya is a cleansing). It sparked creative ideas and is making me want to research the link of allowing tears to form and self-healing. Having this in a group environment allows people to 'cry' without feeling the need for the stimulus and gives a task to hide behind that produces the exact same results. To me I imagine crying to be VERY therapeutic. I think I shall be starting some new research.

I blew out the candle and let the smell fill my room. It is my favourite thing now to sleep to with a calming aura around me.

19.03.19

I meditated again- getting back into a better routine- though it was not as effective. I re-used the 'kindness' download on the app which involved this fountain of sunlight imagery again. This time it took me a long time to notice that my mind had wandered, as I missed half of the exercise while of thinking about formations and other things I did not need to in that moment. As soon as I realised of course I tried to pull it around, but I ended up feeling as if i was doing a creativity one (maybe that is where my mind was) as instead of being distracted by any thoughts of things occurring in my life, i went to movement and projects. My tick list for these or visualising them in my minds eye.

20.03.19

My app meditation today I did earlier than my 'normal' though I am doing them earlier and earlier at the moment. I revisited kindness and as it began it spoke about the importance of being kind to yourself first. All these ideas of self love come to me when I think of that. Physical, mental, social. They say physical ones involve: working out, stretching, massage, a good skin regime (whether this be a pamper or a scrub). Mental is; meditation time, positive thoughts, a good environment, clean happy place. Social; having a good social group around you, being happy on your own, striking a balance in your work and daily life. To do all of these you must be kind to yourself, which means you need to listen to your needs, and utmost you need to love yourself enough to enforce these. Everything always seems to link back to self-love right now.

So during my meditation, we began the visualtation of bathing in this sunlight and feeling it fill us up from the bottom to the top. I was able to engage more with the sensations and warmth that I felt with it BUT also the love that this gives back. It transformed. Normally I struggle with it and just imagine it there- but this 'sunlight' changed into mini-mes all over me, hugging and stroking my hair and face. It was so surreal but i felt this wave of self love (As mentioned previous) in a psychical, emotional and social form.

I always know I have me. I have fought for it most of my adult life to prove I can stand on my own. This was different. I knew I had me, always have. BUT SOMETHING UNLOCKED IN ME AND I KNEW I HAD ME LIKE I HAD NEVER KNOWN- AWAY FROM ANY AND ALL DOUBTS. I was happy in me.

21.03.19

I was so tired when it came to 23:30 [my meditation time] after such a long day but i knew i had to do it. I strated by just playing the app and hearing the introduction, knowing already I would feel guilty if I let it play but didnt participate I sat down and began my breathing with the app as the session began.

From starting, being worried I would fall asleep during the 15 minutes AND as a result not have an alarm for tomorrow and miss class, I was already pretty calm.

This meditation used the imagery of a growing ball of light/flame starting from the centre of your chest and growing outwards. The last time I tried this meditation, I lost the feeling and imagery quite early on into its expansion. Today I had a ball of energy around my body in no time and was able to vividly expand it outside my bedroom. The overall aim is for this to take over cities, countries and then the planet. I am not that far yet. I love the messaging behind it though- that though we may be so small and insignificant our energy and flow can reach places we will never get to. Just because you on your own is little doesn't mean you cant make a big impact.

I left this session so relaxed and drifted straight off to sleep after a very long and busy day.

22.03.19

Second day and we are looking at creativity again. The introduction, before feeling how our body is in relation to the space, is all about creating a goal. What do i want to get out of this? It opens the question of what is creativity. The app touches upon it by saying it could be about a project or a new way of attacking a problem.

Last year during my arts and cultural management module we looked at the same question. Creativity can be found in any area- not just the arts- and is about finding a new solution to a problem. For us most of the time this is researching and showing in movement or word. For a shop keeper it is a new way to lay out the store or create an energy for the customers. Right now for me- I wanted creativity in my two performances I am creating and the openness and relaxed aura to explore these.

23.03.19

Last night I was one minute away from my meditation not counting for the day. I need to keep it earlier like i was doing at the beginning of the week.

I re-worked on creativity again, being a flowing theme for the last three days. Though today I struggled. My eyes did that jittering thing again and I realised that's what happens, for me anyway, when my mind is on something else. When i say this I don't mean has thoughts come on go but the subconscious is actually processing something else. Writing this the next day I have no idea what it was, but it was clearly taking over.

The growing light visulation is where I started to be re-gained into my body. It is something I LOVE doing in a guided meditation but at the moment struggle to find the motivation to do it independently.