Meditation Journal

If you have already read in week twentynine of my Malta Blog, I have embarked on a journey of meditation. It has always been something I have been a bit sceptical on, not seeing myself as having enough time so being calm anyway. BOY WAS I WRONG.

It is something I had been doing with classes of vulnerable children, which worked great for them going through a guided meditation and me in my younger years dealing with anxiety and other issues- so i never saw it's need now.

Monday

My first session, the sun was shining and I know I love being exposed to nature so I decided to sit in one of my favourite places (a park swing) outside my house. I could feel the sun on me, the wind was embracing yet in my 20 minute session i had to open my eyes 4 times thinking someone was watching me. I never realised how on edge or jumpy I was. Every time I opened my eyes no one was there.

In my 'daily life' I know I am a multi-tasker and trying to do as much as I can in any given moment. But I never saw how I never truly relax. In 20 minutes I stressed about what i was cooking, when, stuff that hadn't even happened, imagined scenarios, random 'insignificant memories' and so much more. It's like my mind jumped from A-Z with no link or route.

I just focused on my breathing- having to say the commands 'breathe in and out' in my mind, whilst allowing a thought to come into my head (blowing away any others) and dealing through it. I am one to talk to myself through issues, alone in a room but talking in your mind I could hear another voice like mine guiding me. I came out more relaxed about issues after positive talking in my mind, and turned to see the flock of bees in the tree behind me I had never seen or would have stopped too. I am to busy living in my future I don't see the little things of now.

Today I have sworn to have a one thing at a time mindset. So if I am cooking, I am only cooking- not thinking of my phone (if so i blow the thought away), or exercising but being present.

Tuesday

Today I ended up attempting my meditation lying down, this proved disastrous. In the sense my brain would wander (normally I can control) but now I was making up scenarios in my head and only realising minutes after. This happened about two-three times and I realised the fine line between sleep and total relaxation.

I am finding internal issues I may have suppressed surface once fully relaxed (takes me about 5 minutes at the moment), and so I feel this journey will get tougher before easier.

Wednesday

I seem to be in the mind frame of trialing different places to meditate to see what effect it has on me. Today's I think i picked a hard time. I came home from a long day of placement and University and began a conversation about holidays in the group chat, then tried to meditate as the phone went off next to me. I found it surprisingly easier than i thought to ignore the phone, and found my mind the clearest it has been YET was distracted in the body, constantly adjusting and clicking. I could not find my comfortable place and was like I wanted to move. I ended up cutting my session short.

In hindsight, this may have been a moment for yoga practice as a meditation. Each day is different.

I have signed up for a guided meditation session in a week to this day, to see how far my self-learning will go and then how this session may impact and develop my work at home.

Thursday & Friday

Ok I was bad I didn't mediate. I am still trying to change my mentality, honestly. I think that watching a bit of Netflix still counts as relaxing and clearing my mind, this I know that it doesn't as I am still doing many tasks. I need to lose my stigmitation that it wont help me and is a 'fuddy' thing.

Saturday

I didn't sleep well last night at all, and woke up full of anxiety and stress. I did my mediation straight away, alongside my pressure points to calm the body, and instantly felt a lot better. I took my day in its stride.

I noticed that I can easily keep a clear mind but I really don't like it. In fact I am scared of it (sounds silly I know). I will think, "wow I am not thinking anything, what if i think about this issue..." to try and overcome the silence. This i feel will be my hardest battle. To be ok being in silence in my own skin. Silence- an old fear of mine.